Someone told me this past weekend that I put on a tough girl facade to conceal the fact that I don’t know what I want or what I’m doing with my life. I told him that it was just an emotional defense mechanism when it hit me- aside from that very hurtful comment- that I had an emotional defense mechanism up, one that I was admitting to.
An emotional defense mechanism huh? When did this come about?
I have always prized myself on my openness and honesty about my past, my fears, my mistakes, and my aspirations- whether it is with friends or a romantic interest. I have never been afraid of being vulnerable. The inherent value in sharing my life with people who also share their’s with me, and all the good and understanding that can come from that mutual openness, has always exceeded any potential risk of getting hurt. That concept has always been one of my strongest beliefs and is the foundation of pretty much everything I do. I strongly care about everyone in my life- whether I’ve known you since childhood or six months.
So realizing that I had a defense mechanism up really struck me. That’s not who I am and that’s not who I want to continue to be. I could name a bunch of different reasons and things that have happened recently in an attempt to pinpoint how this has come about, but ultimately, fuck that. The shit we people do to each other lingers and stings and leaves a strong impact, assert your individualistic values all you want. BUT - allowing people and situations that have hurt you or taken advantage of you to change who you are, the things you stand for, and the goodness in you? Fuck.that.
Maybe I’m overthinking this and maybe,Jordan, you were just being an asshoe to me (kidding not kidding), but ultimately, fuck all that. It’s been a long hard journey to where and who I am today. I am a good person, I surround myself with good people, and I look for the good in people, always. Nothing in the world I face, and no one that comes in and out of my life, will ever change that.
my ultimate goal is to be at peace with myself, eliminate toxic feelings and elements and energies from my life, unlearn negative and harmful practices and thought patterns, stop checking for people that don’t check for me, create a space for myself that is nurturing for growth so that i may generate loving energy for myself and for others, nourish my spirit and balance my energies, i have big dreams and i deserve to live a life i love and let that love radiate
“Wearing a hijab isn’t inherently liberating – but neither is baring one’s breasts. What is liberating is being able to choose either of these things. It’s pretty ludicrous to think that oppression is somehow proportional to how covered or uncovered someone’s body is.”
“Date someone who meets you half way. Date someone who brings you a glass a water when they get themselves one. Date someone who makes sure you don’t spend money on ridiculous things. Date someone your ex hates and your mom loves. Date someone who’d rather spend a Friday night watching movies, than out with 50 people they barley even talk to. Date someone who sleeps on your chest and leaves a little puddle of drool. Don’t date someone who makes you leave oceans of tears.”
“It’s not just about sex. Don’t get me wrong. Sex is fucking great, but when you have a connection with someone, when you feel so strong for someone, just a kiss is enough to make your knees weak. You just can’t beat that.”